Life is Average
by TatraMegami
Summary: Life is Average and filled with crack. Life at Hogwarts is no different. A series of crackfics, just for fun.
1. Bubble Wrapped

A/N: This is totally a crack fic. This whole story will be a series of crack fics, do don't expect them in any order. And don't expect fast updates. And don't expect any of these to really make sense. But enjoy them anyway!!

Life is Average.

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Bubble wrap, it's not just for packing.

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One day Harry woke up to find that he couldn't move. He tried squirming, thinking that he had tangled himself up in his blankets – not that he had ever done that before, but you never know – and he popped instead. The small explosion caused him to jump in surprise and more popping sounds were heard.

Harry squirmed even further to try and figure out what was going on and succeeded in falling off of his bed. The following explosions reminded him of all of those army movies that his cousin used to watch. The only thing that Harry ever heard from them was the popping of their guns.

The floor gave him a new vantage point and he was able to find the mirror that Seamus had been looking for since last week. Harry absently wondered why Neville had the mirror under his bed until he saw himself in the mirror. His head was okay from what he saw, beyond the fact that he was wearing his glasses when he was sure that he had taken them off before he went to sleep, it was his body that caused him to space out for a moment.

He seemed to be wrapped in bubble wrap, which would explain the popping noises and why he couldn't move. Harry squirmed again, trying to wrestle himself out of the bubble wrap, or at least find the edge so that he could work it loose. But, nothing that he tried worked; the bubble wrap was a perfect tube.

He was trapped in the bubble wrap, but not in the dorm rooms. As he squirmed, he found that he could inch himself forward. He felt like a worm as he did so, a strange sort of popping worm with a bubble wrap body and a human head.

He wondered exactly why he was wrapped in bubble wrap as he slowly made his way to the door to his dorm. Most of the strange things that happened to him either had something to do with Voldemort or the students at Hogwarts. He honestly doubted that Voldemort made his way into his room only to wrap Harry up in bubble wrap and leave once more. No, a saner man would kill Harry in his sleep if he managed to get into the dorm rooms. This meant that this was all Ron's fault; although Seamus could get pretty bad at attracting trouble.

There was a reason why Harry spent most of his time hanging out with Hermione and Ron. Harry was a trouble magnet, pure and simple. Any time that there was chaos, Harry managed to blunder his way into the middle of it all. Hermione managed to figure this out right when Harry and Ron saved her from the troll. Hermione wasn't a natural counter for Harry's magnetism, but she still helped keep the level of trouble down.

Harry had been really unsure when he first got to Hogwarts, which was why Ron was his only real friend for a while until they made friends with Hermione. At that point, Harry had been contemplating becoming close friends with his other dorm mates, but Hermione had shot that idea down. Seamus had already set his hair on fire every day for the past week at that point, Dean had graffiti'd the Entrance Hall and had gotten caught, and Neville had already gotten lost in the Gryffindor Common room twice at that point. Hermione rationalized that Ron was the only one who wouldn't add to Harry's natural ability to find trouble.

Still, Ron got these ideas and could lose his common sense whenever they occurred to him. Ron could easily think that he was protecting Harry by wrapping him in bubble wrap. It wouldn't' be too far of a reach, given that Ron had handcuffed Harry to the bed once and that ended in McGonagall questioning their sexual preferences. If the tube of bubble wrap was Ron's fault than Harry had to just be glad that Ron didn't include a bubble wrap helmet to suffocate Harry.

While Harry came out of had been thinking of all of this, he found that he had reached the door to their dorm. Unfortunately, the door was only opened a crack, although he had to be grateful that it wasn't completely closed. Still, he had to leverage the door open with his chin, which almost knocked his glasses askew. Thankfully Hermione had charmed his glasses to stay on after Seamus kept summoning them last year to use on the snowmen that Dean had built.

He got the door open by shifting around but now he found himself with a new dilemma as his eyes crossed while looking down the stairs. While he was sure that his body could handle being rolled down the stairs, he didn't have that nifty helmet made out of bubble wrap. That meant that he wasn't suffocating, but it also meant that his head could still get hurt.

Harry stared at the stairs for a while before an idea came to him. It took another five minutes, but he wriggled and popped himself around so that he was now facing the door feet first. He then slowly popped his way down the steps.

There were only five steps before he reached the main spiral staircase of the boys' dorms. The stairs were almost empty, except for two fourth years that stared at him as he wriggled his way down the stairs. They didn't say anything though, stepping back to allow him to pop his way down the rest of the stairs.

"Wasn't that Harry Potter?" Harry heard one of the boys whisper when Harry got past them.

"I think so," the other boy replied.

"Why is he wrapped in bubble wrap?" the first kid asked.

"Who knows; the fifth years are all insane," the second kid dismissed.

"Are we going to go insane next year?" was the last thing that Harry heard before he made it to the bottom of the steps.

Harry squirmed around so that he was facing frontwards again before he inched his way out into the common room. No one reacted at all as he inched his way through the common room and if it hadn't have been for those two fourth years he would have thought that he had been turning invisible as well. Luckily, no one managed to kick him in the head as he passed, even if they acted like Harry being wrapped in bubble wrap was normal.

This sort of supported his theory that it was Ron's fault, so he popped his way in search for his red headed friend. He found the rest of the Gryffindor fifth years near the fireplace, which was now spitting pink flames. He absently wondered which of his dorm mates spelled the fire pink as he waited for someone to notice him.

Neville was the first one to do so, although not in a manner that Harry hoped. Instead of greeting Harry or pointing him out to Hermione, Neville put his feet up on Harry's bubble wrapped back and went back to talking about fire eating begonias. Harry squirmed a little, trying to get Neville's feet off of his back, but all he succeeded in doing was to create more popping noises.

Neville frowned as he looked down to figure out what was up with his footstool and found Harry instead. "Hullo, Harry," Neville said as he smiled and peered curiously at the floor. "What are you doing down there?"

"Trying to get your attention," Harry answered.

"Harry, there are easier ways to get attention rather than crawling around on the floor," Neville counseled. "You can always go to the Daily Prophet, for example."

"Let's go, we're going to be late for breakfast," Hermione said as she stood up and gathered her books together.

"Great, I'm starving," Ron said as he stepped over Harry's body on his way to the portrait entrance.

The rest of the fifth years followed suit, although Neville stumbled over Harry and they wrestled on the floor for a few minutes before Neville stood up once again. "Sorry about that, Harry; we'd better get a move on."

Neville left Harry without seeming to realize that Harry was wrapped in bubble wrap and couldn't walk on his own. Harry blinked as he realized that no one else had noticed his predicament, not even Hermione and she had the best radar for illogical things! Of course, this now left him still trapped in the bubble wrap and only able to inch his way down to the Great Hall.

For a moment he considered just staying in the common room and waiting for his friends to come back. Surely they would have to acknowledge their scheme to protect Harry by wrapping him in bubble wrap, right? And they would at least allow him to walk and use his arms, right? But, if he ever managed to find his way to the Great Hall he could probably get McGonagall or Flitwick to get rid of the bubble wrap.

He finally decided that he had nothing better to do, other than being a foot stool, so he wriggled his way out from under a sixth year's feet and made his way out of the common room. Thankfully a seventh year held the portrait door open for him and as he flopped out onto the stone floor. The seventh year went on his way with a cheerful goodbye and Harry muttered curses under his breath as he inched his way down to the Great Hall.

It was weird, traveling as slow as he was. He noticed something on his long journey down to the Great Hall; the floors of Hogwarts were dirty and they smelled. It was hard to keep his neck stiff, but he in no way wanted to put his face down onto the stinky feet floor: who knew what germs were on the floor. He saw enough of the infirmary already; he didn't need another trip there because he got sick from resting his head onto the floor.

Breakfast was over when he finally got down to the Entrance Hall. It took him such a long time to get down to the Entrance Hall that it was the stragglers coming out of the Great Hall even. He knew this because he spot Hermione dragging Ron out of the Great Hall. She paused and frowned down at Harry.

"What took you so long, Harry?" Hermione asked. "It's almost time for class and you haven't eaten any breakfast."

"I got here as fast as I could," Harry protested. "In case you haven't noticed, I can't walk right now and these popping noises are driving me crazy."

"That's no excuse, Harry," Hermione scolded. She huffed as she bent down to shove a piece of toast into Harry's mouth. "I'm afraid that toast was the only thing left; you'd better eat it in a hurry, we have Potions next."

"Come on, mate," Ron said as Hermione dragged him out of the Entrance Hall and over to the dungeon stairs.

Harry groaned when he realized several things. One, the teachers probably weren't in the Great Hall anymore, which meant that he had to go to class. Two, Hermione's logic sensors had just failed, which meant that the end of the world was coming next Tuesday. Three, now he had to make his way down even more steps to make it to the Potions classroom. And Four, he couldn't move until he had eaten his piece of toast. He was hungry and he wasn't about to risk losing his delicate hold on the piece of toast.

It took him about a minute to eat the piece of toast and he allowed himself a sigh before he began popping his way down the steps. During his journey to the potions classroom he discovered something new about the dungeon floors: they smelled even worse than the other floors of Hogwarts. If he didn't know that Snape was very particular about his potions ingredients, Harry would have thought that Snape made a point to ground in every disgusting bug or organs in his supply. Harry really wouldn't put it past Snape to do that with his inferior ingredients instead of using them on the students.

He finally reached the potions door and he breathed a sigh of relief before realizing that the door was closed. There was no way that he could open the door and it wasn't like he could knock conventionally. He finally twisted around and pounded on the door with the tail end of his bubble wrap enclosure. It was really more of a thud and an explosion of popping noises rather than a knock, but Snape opened the door anyway.

Snape glanced around the corridor first before his eyes fell to the floor and he noticed Harry. "What, may I ask, are you doing?"

"I woke up like this and it really isn't easy to move, you know," Harry answered, hoping that Snape would cut him free.

"Really?" Snape raised his eyebrow and stepped back to allow Harry into the classroom.

Harry stared at Snape for a while before he inched his way into the room. He wondered exactly what was going through Snape's head; was he just ignorant of Harry's bubble wrap tube like the rest of Hogwarts, or was he just a bastard. Given the amused way that Snape watched him inch his way over to his stool, Harry was willing to bet that Snape was just a bastard.

Snape continued to watch him as Hermione finally noticed his presence. "We're brewing sleeping potions today and you're partnered with Neville. He's already started the brewing process, but you're going to need to cut up the rest of the supplies."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Harry asked as he flailed and popped a bit to make his point.

"Oh," Hermione exclaimed as she whirled around and picked up a cutting board filled with what looked to be green onions to Harry's eyes. She set that down on the floor in front of him and whirled back around to pick up a knife from the table. Harry gave Hermione a hopeful look and waited for her to cut him out of the bubble wrap.

Unfortunately, she didn't even look at the bubble wrap as she inserted the handle of the knife into Harry's mouth. Harry mumbled something around the handle, but Hermione didn't pay him any attention as she went back to her potion. A soft snort had Harry giving Snape a death glare.

Snape wasn't affected by the glare and he swooped down the rows to stand beside Harry. "Well, Potter, you have all your supplies, why aren't you working?"

Harry mumbled a curse around the handle of the knife, wishing that he had the nerve to spit the knife out and repeat it to Snape's feet. Snape chuckled, no one noticed, as Harry made an attempt to chop the vegetable in front of him. It really didn't work though and Harry spit the knife out of his mouth.

"Why am I wrapped up in bubble wrap and why is it that no one has noticed," Harry practically yelled as he flailed about. An explosion of popping noises continued until Harry clunked his head against the potions desk and fell unconscious.

Snape out and out laughed, which still no one noticed, and that was the last thing that Harry was aware of for a while.

When Harry woke up he was still surrounded by bubble wrap, although this time it was not pinning his arms to his body. Instead, he was wearing the bubble wrap like an ordinary blanket. He was lying down in a bed and he carefully shifted to try and figure out exactly where he was. Even though he was trying to be quiet, something under him popped: the sheets under him were made of bubble wrap. In fact, he discovered as he sat up to look around, the whole room was covered in bubble wrap.

There was a figure sitting in a large armchair, poking at it and popping all of the bubbles on the chair. The figure looked up when Harry caused a bunch of explosions by sitting up and red eyes lit up as they fell on him. The next thing that Harry knew, Voldemort had stood up and was skipping over to Harry's bubble wrap bed. The bubble wrap carpet protested his every moment, but that only made Voldemort stamp down even harder to create an even louder noise.

"You're awake," Voldemort exclaimed as he jumped onto the bed. Harry flinched back from both the man and the noise that he had cuased.

"What is going on?" Harry warily asked.

"You're my new playmate," Voldemort excitedly informed Harry. "Malfoy made me this marvelous room and Snape said that he would get me a playmate as a house warming gift. And he was right; you were all tied up with a bubble wrap bow!"

"How do I get out of here?" Harry asked as he got out of the bed.

"Oh, there's no way to get out of here, but don't worry – I have lots of bubble wrap foods." Voldemort grinned and started to pop the comforter as Harry finally gave in to the urge to scream.

Fin.


	2. Rock or Harry

A/N: This is another crackfic, most definitely. I have no idea what kind of drugs are in the water at Hogwarts, but it's really fun. So, this one actually follows Bubble Wrap, though don't expect every ficlet to do that.

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Rock or Harry?

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"Miss Granger, be sure to escort Mister Potter to his next class," Snape said as he handed Hermione a rock.

Hermione beamed at him as she accepted the rock before leaving the classroom. Ron started chattering to the rock, even though Hermione chucked it into her book bag in order to read her charms text book. Neville followed along behind them, scouring the ground for the footstool that seemed to like him.

They actually had lunch next, as it was a double block of potions, and Hermione set the rock down on top of a plate. Luna wandered past and paused at the Gryffindor table. She scan up and down its length and frowned. "Where's Harry?"

"What are you talking about? Harry's right here." Hermione motioned to the plate.

"That's a rock," Luna pointed out.

"No, that's Harry; we're discussing quidditch tactics today," Ron replied.

"Harry is a bit taller and made of flesh wrapped in bubble wrap," Luna explained with hand motions and everything.

"You mean like the footstool I keep seeing around school?" Neville asked. He leaned forward to confide something to Luna in a low voice, "I think it's following me."

"Harry looks exactly like your footstool, Neville," Luna said.

"Oh, do you want to go find him? Maybe they're both together," Neville mused. "One can always use a good footstool."

"Let's go," Luna chirped as she walked out of the Great Hall backwards. Neville turned around and followed her in the exact same way, although he really didn't know why.

"That girl is always so strange," Hermione told the rock, "I don't know why you insist on being friends with her."

"So, tell me what you think about the Fizzing loop de loop, Harry," Ron said as conversations resumed.


	3. It's a Jungle Out There

A/N: This is completely separate from the bubble wrap crack. I made a comment in one of my other fics about how Neville had gotten lost in the Gryffindor common room, so I set out to explore that and this fic is what came out. Have fun!

It's a Jungle out there

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"Where's Neville?" Harry asked out of nowhere. Everyone blinked and turned to stare at him in confusion.

"Why would Longbottom be here?" Draco Malfoy asked as he motioned towards the rest of the Slytherin table. "In fact, why are you here?"

"Well, it's just that I don't see him over at the Gryffindor table and I really haven't seen him since last night in the common room," Harry continued, ignoring his setting.

"Why aren't you over at the Gryffindor table, you know, your house table?" Draco persisted.

"Give it up, Draco, he's sat here for over a week and even the Gryffindors have given up on him," Pansy counseled.

"I hope that he hasn't gotten lost," Harry mused.

"Longbottom should be able to make his way down to the castle proper eventually, Potter," Draco said, knowing better than to ignore Pansy.

"Yeah, he's gotten pretty good at navigating Hogwarts, so I know that he's not lost there," Harry answered.

"Then where could Longbottom be lost?" Blaise asked.

"Surely he has enough common sense to stay out of the Forbidden Forest on his own," Draco added.

"The Forbidden Forest is easy; I'm just worried that he's gotten himself lost in the common room again," Harry answered, frowning down at his porridge and wondering where his bacon had gone.

The Slytherin fifth years exchanged glances and repressed their laughter. "Longbottom may have gotten lost in the Gryffindor common room?" Theodore asked.

"Again?" Draco added as he stressed the word.

"How is that even possible?" Blaise asked, blinking in confusion.

"Especially after six years at Hogwarts," Pansy added.

Harry shrugged. "It's Neville at Hogwarts, anything is possible. In fact, I think that the greenhouses are the only buildings that he doesn't get lost in, although I still don't see how he gets away with it. Whenever I try to make my way through the greenhouses I always get eaten by one of the plants."

"I'm glad that I'm in Slytherin," Draco murmured, "the other houses seem to be quite insane."

"Right, so why are you here at the Slytherin table instead of the Gryffindor table asking them for help?"Blaise asked.

"Because they've stopped looking for Neville after the fifth time or so. He'll wander out again unharmed, but I really need him for our club meeting." Harry pouted at the Slytherins.

"Well, I haven't got anything else to do and I do admit that I'm curious." Draco sighed as he stood up. The other sixth years exchanged glances before they also reluctantly stood up.

"Let's get this over with," Pansy said.

"This way," Harry chirped as he bounded out of the Great Hall. He led the group on a merry chase around the castle so that the Slytherin's wouldn't learn the way to the common room. The Slytherins were polite enough to allow Harry to think that they didn't already know the way to the Gryffindor common room. In fact, they already knew the password to the common room, which is why they agreed to cover their ears while Harry whispered the password to the Fat Lady.

The common room was just the same in the daylight as it was in the dark of night – the only time that the Slytherins were able to enter the Gryffindor common room to explore. It was all very ordinary, a very open space with no real nooks and cranies. They had no idea of how anyone could ever get lost in the room. In fact, Hufflepuff's common room was more difficult to navigate that the Gryffindor's common room.

Draco stalked through the room and ducked down to check under a chair. There was, of course, no one underneath the chair. "So, where on earth could someone get lost in this room?"

"Oh, the problem isn't this common room, it's the other common rooms that get Neville all tripped up." Harry motioned towards the dormitory stair cases.

Draco sent them a skeptical look. "Don't those lead to your dorm rooms?"

"Yeah," Harry gave Draco an odd look, "but it's coming back that is really the trouble. Here, I'll show you."

Harry led the Slytherins up the stairs to the boys' dormitories and let them into the fifth year dorm room. He shut the door behind himself, ignoring how the fifth year Slytherins were poking around the dorm room. He turned a knob on the wall, something that only Blaise noticed, and opened the door once again. The hallway was now painted a horrid orange color and Blaise flinched back from it.

"What?" Draco asked, catching the movement out of the corner of his eye. He stared at the orange wall that they could now see. "Potter, what did you do to the wall color?"

"This is the orange common room. Near as we can figure, the Chudley Cannons are the greatest quidditch team in this world. Now, I honestly doubt that Neville is here, since Ron visits this world the most, but it is the easiest world to tell the difference in." Harry spared the Slytherins a glance before he left the room. He led the way downstairs, where the common room was halfway filled with students.

"Is breakfast over already?" Draco asked, staring around at the orange common room, so different than the common room that they had just been in.

"Oh, hello, we were just studying." Hermione stood up, her hair cut shorter than Draco had seen at breakfast. "If we want to catch the attentions of the Cannons then we've got to study hard."

"Right, cause not just any sign will do," their Harry enthused as he sat down next to another Harry. The second Harry had his hair dyed an obnoxious orange, so it was easy to tell the two apart.

"We aren't here to help them out with quidditch, we're looking for Longbottom, Potter," Draco said as he pulled Harry up from his seat.

"Oh, right, has anyone seen the Wandering Neville?" Harry asked.

"Wandering Neville?" Pansy asked, raising her eyebrow.

"Oh, he's always wandering through dimensions," the other Hermione said.

"He went down to the kitchen to find some food; Ron went with him," the orange haired Harry said, waving his hand in dismissal.

"Oh, good, then Neville can find his way back," Harry said, settling down in front of the sign again.

Draco sighed as he flopped down in an orange chair and stared at the orange Gryffindor lion. "There's so much orange, it's making me sick."

"You should talk, the Slytherin common room is entirely royal blue for the Hedgehogs," Hermione shot back.

"It's not my common room, I don't even belong in this universe," Draco protested. "I don't even know how this whole thing is possible."

"Hogwarts is a place where magics converge, and the bleed-through of universes is one of the side effects. The Wandering Neville seems to be quite good at finding these bleed-throughs, just like our Neville can find the best broomsticks," the other Hermione said.

"Right." Draco shook his head and gave up.

"But how come only the Gryffindors know of this fact?" Blaise asked.

"Because the biggest bleed through is right outside of their dorm room in your universe." Hermione shrugged. "It could be worse, ours is right in the boy's bathroom."

"Yeah." Blaise shook his head.

The common room door opened and an entirely orange Ron Weasley stepped through, Neville right after him. Neville was the only one without any bit of orange on him, even Hermione had an orange pin. Neville brightened up when he saw Harry and the Slytherins.

"You guys made it," Neville cheerfully said. He held up a plate of cookies. "Would anyone like one?"

"We've got to go, Neville," Harry said as he reluctantly got up from the sign. "We wouldn't want to miss our Platypus Anonymous meeting; you know how Luna gets when we're late."

Neville solemnly nodded as he made it through the common room. "We might lose her for good, these meetings are the only thing keeping her from the water."

"Luna thinks she's a Platypus on Wednesdays," Harry informed the Slytherins.

"But it's Monday," Draco pointed out.

"Exactly." Harry nodded sagely as he led them up to the boy's dormitory once more.

"I give up." Draco shook his head as he followed Harry up the stairs. He subtly kept an eye on Longbottom, not wanting to lose track of the teen again. The fifth year dorm room door was closed when they made it up the stairs, but Draco didn't pay that much attention as they stepped through the doorway. He did notice the lime green couches that were in the room instead of beds. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't you guys used to have poster beds that were red?"

"This is the go between room; we have to stay here for an hour until the doorway reconnects again." Harry shrugged and flopped down on one of the couches. Neville sat down next to him and offered cookies once more. The Slytherins exchanged glances before flopping down and accepting a cookie.


	4. Back to the Bubbles

A/N: I had this written, so I decided to post it. It's another one in the bubblewrap universe and is most definitely a crackfic. If anyone reads my other stuff, I will update them eventually, as soon as I have chapters to update with.

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Back to the Bubbles

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It had taken Harry by surprise when he woke up wrapped in bubble wrap. It had been a bigger surprise when no one seemed to realize that there was something wrong with the fact that he was wrapped in bubble wrap. It was an even greater surprise when he ended up trapped in a room made entirely out of bubble wrap with Voldemort.

Well, it was really just the fact that the entire room was made out of bubble wrap than who he was trapped with. While being trapped with a happy Voldemort was odd, Harry figured that Voldemort was insane ages ago. But, the bubble wrapped room truly was something else.

It made him wonder just how sane Snape was, though he did believe that anyone staying at Hogwarts just had to be insane. Of course, that meant that he was insane, but he tried not to think of that fact. Though, being insane might just help him out here in this room made out of bubble wrap.

"So, why did Snape kidnap me to keep you company?" Harry asked as he tried to pop the bubbles on the bubble wrapped door faster then they regenerated. "I would think that I was the last person that you wanted for company."

"It was Snape's idea," Voldemort cheerfully informed Harry. (extra words) "Something about keeping all of his least favorite people together and out of his hair."

"But, where are we?" Harry groaned as his efforts to destroy the door were defeated.

"I think we're in Snape's closet." Voldemort was popping the table to look like some sort of a snake. Harry petulantly wondered how Voldemort was able to keep the bubbles from reforming right away before he realized exactly what Voldemort had said.

"We're in Snape's closet? Does that mean we're at Hogwarts?" Harry asked.

"Nah, we're at his regular old house." Voldemort waved his hand in dismissal as he focused back on his picture, the edge of his tongue poking out in concentration.

"Still, isn't that creepy? We're in Snape's closet." Harry wrinkled his nose at the thought. "So, how do we get out?"

"Leave? I don't want to leave!" Voldemort hugged the table to himself, managing to lift it up in the air.

"But I do. And, come on, aren't there people you want to kill in cold blood out there somewhere?" Harry asked, waving his arms wildly around.

"Not really." Voldemort shrugged as he put the table down and went back to his drawing.

"I'll get out of here eventually." Harry started slamming his head against the bubble wrap. It didn't do anything but make a satisfying popping noise every time he hit, but at least it was something.


	5. Window Washer

A/N: Warning, this fic is not a goodfic. Of course, I chose to believe the narrative in the fact that it's not a badfic. It is just a crack fic and it was written for quantity over quality. You're simple crackfic, really. No relation to any other chapters or stories.

* * *

"I saw him, Professor," Draco Malfoy exclaimed when Harry entered Dumbledore's office. "He was just sitting there, listening."

"That's just not possible," Snape insisted.

"What's up?" Harry asked.

"Mr. Malfoy's just a bit concerned," Dumbledore said. "It seems as though he witnessed you talking with Voldemort."

"Listening to the Dark Lord talk," Draco insisted.

"Wow, I would have never have thought that you would ever do something like this," Harry said as he peered at Draco. "I mean, seriously, narcing on me?"

"I've seen what you can do while evil, Potter," Draco said. "You're even worse than the Dark Lord."

"Do you think I could get that down in writing?" Harry asked. He pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and shoved it in Draco's face. "You see, he never really believes me when someone says something like this."

"Then, you mean that it was true?" Dumbledore exclaimed. He and Snape stared at Harry in surprise and disbelief.

"What was true?" Harry asked.

"You were talking to the Dark Lord," Dumbledore said.

"Of course I was," Harry said. "Of course, I call him The Riddler, but that's in insider thing."

"You see what has us concerned, this 'insider thing,'" Dumbledore said. "Harry, you know who Voldemort is."

'The man killed your parents," Snape said.

Harry shrugged. "Professor Snape works for him, I don't see what's so bad about him."

"Harry, while I wish that you would trust your professors, Professor Snape is not a good role model in that regard," Dumbledore said, looking as though he had a headache.

"Well, there's also the fact that the Riddler and I have a deep, meaningful relationship," Harry said.

Draco choked. "You and the Dark lord?"

"Not in that way," Harry exclaimed. "Gods, no!"

"Oh, good," Dumbledore said, sounding faint this time around.

"Can I get that in writing, too?" Harry asked. "You see, he never really believes the pensieve memories anymore after I found a way to tamper with them."

"There's no way of tampering with the pensieves," Snape said.

"Oh, sure there, is, you just have to remember wrong," Dumbledore said in a mannor that wasn't as loose as that.

"Yeah, there is that way," Harry said, "But I found a much easier way of manipulating things. Man, you should see Voldemort doing the Swan Lake."

"The Dark Lord was turned into a swan?" Draco asked.

"Of a sort," Harry said. "Particularly the sort that wears tutus."

"Tutus on the Dark Lord," Snape said. "Now I've heard everything."

"Now, generally I wait to tell you this," Harry said. "But since The Riddler got us caught, I suppose I have to spill now."

"Spill what?" Dumbledore asked.

"You see, I'm from the future," Harry said.

"Are you here to prevent some horrible event from happening?" Dumbledore asked.

"Yes, it was so horrible that I just had to go back," Harry said. "I ran out of potato crisps, just after I let my cousin visit me."

"What?" everyone in the office chorused. A badfic would mention that even Fawks made a noise, but he didn't. It was just Draco, Dumbledore, and Snape in various tones. Fawks didn't even wake up from his nap.

"I know, what was I thinking," Harry wailed. "Letting Dudley into my house after I knew that he could eat out my whole fridge."

"I was more talking about the fact that you came back just for that," Dumbledore said. "Harry, time travel is serious business."

"Like rescuing your godfather, attending class, or running out of crisps," Harry listed, nodding.

"That wasn't quite what I had in mind," Dumbledore said, weakly.

"Anyway, I came back and was surprised to find that I came back so far," Harry said. "The first time it was just at the start of my fifth year and let me tell you, it was a shock to realize that Voldemort was alive. So I talked to the Riddler and we decided to work out our differences before trying to kill one another once more. Because, he knew it was possible for me to kill him."

"So Voldemort isn't evil anymore?" Dumbledore asked.

"We're kind of floating in between the two," Harry said with a shrug. "I mean, sometimes he's the bad guy, sometime he shocks everyone with being the good guy, and sometimes I'm the bad guy."

"What is it this time?" Draco asked.

"He's the window washer," Harry said. "And I am going into retail this time around."

"Retail?" once again they all chorused. Except for Harry, but that was to be expected.

"I'm thinking maybe robes," Harry said. "And maybe after a couple of years I'll get into design as well. Just think, A Harry Potter original."

"Well, you'll certainly get a lot of sales," Draco said.

"That's just what I was thinking," Harry said. "And if I work on commission, I'll be able to actually swim in my gold. Of course, we tried that way back when, but that didn't really work as well as we had hoped."

"Gold is hard," Draco nodded in agreement.

"Plus The Riddler kept getting hard feelings because I'm a celebrity and he isn't, but he'll just have to get over that," Harry said with a sigh.

"So, what else is the dark lord planning?" Snape asked.

"To be honest, he's just turning all of the death eaters into window washers," Harry said with a shrug. "He figured that you would all be willing to wash windows instead of just killing people."

"Well, you have given us an awful lot to think of," Dumbledore said.

"I'll just be going, then," Harry said. He hopped out of his chair and cheerfully left the room.

"Well, Mate?" Ron demanded when Harry emerged.

"They bought it hook, line, and sinker," Harry said. He grinned. "I just can't wait to see Voldemort's face when Snape asks about his window washing business."

"I just have to say that you're absolutely bonkers," Ron said. "But you're still bloody brilliant."

"Why, thank you," Harry said, bowing.


End file.
